ISÆKAI

May 28, 2025

[Three days after you took your life with prescription toxicity and Belvedere; 5 months (exactly) since you began your fight life with FND.]

When I was in elementary school my teachers would tell my parents — at PTCs — that I am a very sensitive child. I needed to toughen up.

I tried my best to be tough. To hold myself with power and evoke fear into the hearts of the world around me. Command respect. Silence is power.
…but it doesn’t feel very powerful to stand alone.

Am I tough? Am I smart? Am I pretty? Am I kind? Intelligent? How much? Compared to them — the others — my peers?

You are sweet. You are small. You are cute. You are quiet. You are intimidating. Why are you always smiling?

You are the problem in this family. You are a liar. You are a sinner. You are a fake. you’re trying to hard to be something you want to be.

Good deeds go unnoticed. Integrity. When no one is watching. No one… but all.

Fuck it, who cares? I’m going to die soon anyways.

What does it matter? Why????

Unsettled. Ashamed. Who am I? I don’t want my picture taken because I don’t want to see what I look like… me… the world sees… the world… me.

Then I created.

And created a metal sign shop, sweaters, tees, bags, gifts, doilies, jewelry, dance, pretty hairstyles and a beautiful safe room. My body sustains me and I don’t even try. One day, I realized.

What do I look like? It isn’t safe to ee. This man here, this soul beside me — he says it isn’t safe. There are people outside, dancing. They’re singing and creating. They’re conversing, talking, sharing, …existing.

I was scared of saying hi to my friends in front of my family.

Shame? Friends ❤️ Family ❤️ Shame ❓

I was good at playing the ukulele & guitar, but only alone. I couldn’t if anyone else was there. How do I be?

It looked magnificent out there. The sun was shining, the plants dancing, animals enjoying, and humans, people, there too. How I longed to be like them. So free. So calm and beautiful and captivating. They made me feel alive. beauty.

I left that man. And I hid away. Further way from the window, from outside. I know it’s there. I’m not ready…